In the Army for 11 years, I was a fuel truck driver so I was always on the road. I was discharged in 2014, and when I came back, it was hard to get back into ‘normal life’. I was always anxious. Depressed. It was always like a fight. I was always on edge. Very anxious. And I noticed when I was with my boys, I would prevent them from doing certain things because of my anxiety, my depression and my things. I wouldn’t take them to the movies. I wouldn’t go to the gym. I wouldn’t do anything where I didn’t have any sense of control on the situation or the environment. I was always in pain or very tired; I was on an emotional rollercoaster.
Defeated and Lost
That’s what it felt like. I could never control my emotions. I tried so many things; from ‘prolonged exposure’ to art therapy, to so many different types of therapy and I kept finding myself stuck where one or two little things would work but the rest wouldn’t. I was constantly trying to grab one or two things from this therapy and one or two things from that therapy and trying to fix it on my own and I never could.
I did at one point go to another organization (I’d rather not say the name) but I was denied a service dog because they said I had too much PTSD, too much anxiety. And I was confused with that… I said ‘What do you mean? That’s what the program was made for…’ At that point I didn’t want to continue on with any treatment. I figured it was just too much, I had it too bad. I still have the letter from that facility. I was so confused and asked them to please explain… ‘What did they mean?’ I got no explanation. I didn’t know what else to do honestly. I just felt defeated and lost.
Another service member called me about K9 Partners for Patriots… And I was actually scared and even nervous to even approach K9P4P because I didn’t want to get told the same thing. I didn’t know if I’d qualify or if my PTSD was too high.
So for a while I held myself back and I just crawled under a rock. I was secluded; I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone. My friend kept after me… ‘Just go, just talk to them’ and I did. I had my dog and I went over there. The first person I talked to was Jessica and she was just a delight. I felt so calm. I felt like I finally found my people. I talked with Mary and Jeanne.
“…I finally found my people.”
And then I met Damian. And he’s another one who’s always willing to come and talk and I felt like I was finally around people where I didn’t feel judged; I didn’t feel anything about my disabilities. If anything, I wasn’t feeling like I even had a disability. I just felt like it’s a speed bump and I need to find another way around it. And that feeling from them just gave me more pep in my step! It gave me more courage, it gave me more fight in order to be able to step out of that comfort zone.
So when I started going to the classes they were very scary at first and I didn’t think I was going to get through it. But every week they gave me a job, a task, things to do, to work on with my service dog. And things to work on with myself. Because you know, it wasn’t just for her (Storm) it was for me. And they just gave me more confidence every week.
And I found myself wanting to walk outside and do all these things, to train and see her accomplishments because I was just noticing my own accomplishments. Storm was getting to be a perfect service dog for me… I didn’t realize or see all the changes that I was doing within myself.
About a month and a half into the training I had that ‘aha’ moment… I was walking into a supermarket and stores and outlets and things like that where I wasn’t huffing and watching my back. I wasn’t constantly having my back to the wall and watching the area. I felt like I could walk with my head high and my shoulders high. I could be confident because I had my battle buddy next to me! She was doing everything that she needed to do for me and I was doing everything I needed to do for her. And it made us a team. It gave me a purpose, you know.
My family is thrilled! It had been to the point where I not only couldn’t take care of myself, I was taking care of my sister who had stage 4 cancer, and Storm has been a huge help not just for myself but for her as well. Letting me know if she’s fallen on the ground, letting me know things where she’s not only helped me, she’s helped her, and so many of us in my family.
She’s not just a dog. We’ve been blessed by her… My sister and I feel like I’m doing so much more, going out and walking much more, I’m doing hikes; things that I haven’t done in years! I’m signing up for programs that I never even thought about signing up for. I’m now in the VA’s sports rehabilitation program which years ago I didn’t think would ever even be an option. And she’s coming with me and we’re doing everything together.
With the public, not many people have seen Cane Corsos, so when they see her right away they’re trying to pet her. She’s a rare kind of breed. They are big dogs and very protective. I find myself talking to a lot more people… Telling them about service dogs and Cane Corsos.
I give them a little bit of information that they probably didn’t know before. So they respect service dogs, and share that with their children. But most times lately it’s adults that want to come up to the dog and start calling, trying to pet her and I tell them “No, she’s working.”
Sometimes I get looks, some comments, but it doesn’t bother me, honestly. It used to bother me in the past but it no longer bothers me today. And I feel like a lot of that has to do with my emotions and being able to control my emotions, which was so hard for me to do before!
Now I find that she feeds off of my emotions and I feed off of hers. So as my anxiety gets too high or if I get mad or whatever, she’s already trying to get me to pet her, to focus my attention on her. And it just works.
I would do absolutely anything for K9P4P!! They’ve pretty much given me my life back, my time with my family. My time with my friends. Just my quality, self-care time has been given back to me. Self-care is very, very important and you don’t realize how much you neglect yourself or how much you don’t care for yourself. You do deserve it. You can care for yourself and care for others at the same time.
K9P4P not only gave me my life back… they were there for me when Storm got hurt. She ran downstairs to help me at one moment when I was having a migraine and she ran so fast she got a torn ACL. And K9P4P, from the moment they found out she was injured, they connected me with chiropractors, they connected me with doctors, they connected me with a surgeon who was able to do her procedure and get her taken care of to where she is the strong and happy-go-lucky dog that she was when I first met her. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them.
Emotionally, mentally… I had Damian, Mary, I had Jeanne there. Jess. All of them, whenever I need to talk to someone or just any advice they were always there to help me. Storm had her surgery in September. We were pretty much bedridden because she couldn’t really move at all for about 3 months. But her recovery has been just incredible. I can’t even explain it! Seeing her from day 1 to today… Like myself, her recovery is our recovery.
I say it all the time, I’m truly blessed. When it comes to K9P4P, they came into my life when I didn’t think that I could have, or even deserve any type of compassion or recovery. I thought I was just too far off, and they showed me that, no, I’m not far off, I’m right where I need to be, and this is the recovery process that I need at my time.
Between everybody at K9P4P and between Storm and my family and my support system I feel like I’ve learned my worth. It’s a learning process. But to know that you are worthy and to feel it just gives you another piece of confidence, something I didn’t have before.
